I feel like I'm dying yet, I've never felt more alive

PREFACE: 

Transformation is the word I choose to explicitly describe the personal changes I/we endure through life. I do not believe we were meant to stay the same from our birth to our physical death. I feel that life promises us the ecstasy, joy and unconditional love and belonging we live for, it is just that for some, like me, life concealed it under a painful rubble.

I am who I am today because of making my way through the debris, yet I also am this way because this is who I was born to be. I am sensitive, I naturally feel very deeply, I cannot feel joy for anything in life if it is fake. I thrive, grow and melt into "feeling”. I simply cannot make sense of anything if I have not understood the feeling, or the current of energy which influences our actions. I am a digger and excavator of feelings and I love it. My communication style is open and I love to connect with words of truth. Admittedly this is too much for many people, but nonetheless I honour and have deep respect for the various ways people live. Humans are incredible creatures and variety is the spice of life.

If any of this resonates and you find yourself hearing these words as if they are your own somehow, then welcome to this word haven where depth, feeling, sensitivity are your playground. Feel free to lean into your emotions, feelings and depth, I celebrate you and together we can celebrate life.

Enjoy this somewhat poetic piece below, which showcases the resistance and surrender, masculine and feminine, yin and yang, nature of transforming through pain.

 The eyes of judgement pierce my soul. They direct their physical gaze to the inadequacies in me however, I know in their seeking, they are are daring my facade to burn away. Honest and unfiltered revelation is what they beg for yet my resistance to their judgemental course of action, stubbornly justifies my guarded stance.

I have been defined by my guarded stance in life. Safety first….

I am a woman who aches for pleasure, who yearns to feel the thrust of life deep within her, but the contraction to this ecstasy is yet to relinquish, as the fear of pain defiantly continues its reign.

I am suddenly burning from this wound and yet I have never felt so close to God. I could almost believe that God delivered this pain intentionally and that she chose to sacrifice me in her name.

I feel like I am dying yet, I have never felt so alive.

Am I to believe that birth and death are the same? In this shame, It is revealed that death is birth.

The burning hell screams medicinal words…. “Remember who you are”. I melt into these flames, incinerating the waste of who I was, to cleanse and deliver myself to the remembering.

Alone, I feel to breathe again, flooded by life itself in the wake of my death and it feels like a cool water to a blistering burn.

The constriction of the shame felt like the air had left my lungs, yet I felt to surrender into the dark death of awakening. It is the deep trust for life which pries my fingers open from the grip, allowing the cosmic fall into the unknown. It is here I meet myself time and time again as I submit to the bottomless journey of transformation. I know transformation is life.

It is the shedding, the evolution, letting go of who I once was, it is a process.. Transformation is the vehicle who delivers me back into the portal of death that joyfully births me to life.

Trust is the hand that delivers us all. Trust in the pain, trust in the process, trust in the death and trust in the rebirth.

* this blog was first published by Claire on her substack