Stillness and Silence

For the past 10 days, and for the next 5, we are babysitting my interstate 6 year old niece and 3 year old nephew while my brother and sister-in-law are overseas. These are the things you become available for, once you let go of the 'normal' life commitments, 9-5 job, house, partner etc. It's an honour to be asked and to hold the space for my family to have some downtime. But while they are enjoying down, I am up, up, up!

In this environment, stillness and silence are but fantasies! Someone is almost always pissing someone else off. Someone else needs food, a drink, their sock straightened, their hands wiped, the dog wants to be let back in, the washing machine needs emptying or my daughter just looks at me like, holy crap what is this life! It really is relentless, there is almost never a moment to pause. My admiration goes out to multiple child parents - appropriate that I'm writing this on Mother's Day. It does though stir for me the feeling that we really aren't doing this family thing in the most supportive way for parents or children. A musing for another day. 

If I'm honest, I think the van life version of me has handled this better than any version before. I've created space in my life, so I've been able to almost completely clear my work deck so that I can be there for the expected (and indeed delivered!) emotional rollercoaster that is your parents both going away for the first time in your life.

But, my spaciousness didn't stop a near full blown anxiety attack in the city last week, thinking I could handle the 3 kids as we climbed the Sydney Eye Tower and grab lunch in the food court - hahahaha - honestly, who was I kidding! We all survived, and the photos show we had a great day, but my nervous system was on full alert.

I've been on full alert for much of my adult life, so it's not a foreign place for me. But over the past 5 years I've been trying to come out of fight and flight to restore digestion and do some healing in my body. It's an old friend I've enjoyed not seeing so often! 

Today, after a walk in to town that saw the 6 year old graze her knees and the 3 year old express his displeasure at the food that was available to him, the noise was at an all time high. I'd already attempted the logical and rational conversations - the ship had well and truly sailed from that moment. I couldn't see a clear path forward, I was losing it, I just wanted it to stop. Leaning on the 12 year old (not for the first time this week), I excused myself - I knew everyone could survive for 10 minutes - and I put on a meditation. I wasn't fussy, I just selected the daily offering from the Gaia app and I laid down.

But boy oh boy was it what I needed to hear.... the message was simple, stop SEEKING the stillness and the silence and instead BE the stillness and the silence. The world will continue to dance around you, just observe it.

Of course as soon as the meditation wrapped up, the bedroom door opened and within 30 seconds I had 3 kids and a dog on and around me. But I was no longer reactive. I was able to simply observe the sound and movement, without feeling the need to engage in it.

 Here is the meditation, by Nico Luce - Looking from stillness, if you feel that this may be useful for you. 

Love H
x